Jack
wakes up at home with a huge hangover he can't believe.
He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he
sees is a couple of aspirin next to a glass of water on the side table.
And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits down and sees his
clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Jack looks around the
room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. He takes
the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him
in the bathroom mirror, and Notices a note on the table: "Honey,
breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping-Love you!" He
stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast and the
morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks,
"Son...what happened last night?" "Well, you came home after 3
am, drunk
and out of your mind. You broke some furniture, puked in the hallway,
and got that black eye when you ran into the door." "So, why is
everything in such perfect order, so clean, I have a rose, and breakfast
is on the table waiting for me?" His son replies, "Oh THAT! Mum
dragged
you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your trousers off, you
screamed, "Leave me alone, you tart, I'm married!
Broken furniture $85.26
Hot Breakfast $4.20
Red Rose bud $3.00
Two Aspirins $0.38
Saying the right thing, at the right time.........Priceless...
Mary
had a little skirt
with splits right up the sides,
and every time that Mary walked
the boys could see her thighs.
Mary had another skirt
'twas split right up the front,
...but she didn't wear that one very often.
There
was a young woman from Bude who went for a swim in the nude.
When
a man in a Punt grabbed hold of her ankle and said…
“No
swimming here. It’s private.”
William
Shakespeare was a Man of whit and on his coat he had some buttons.
As
he was walking by St. Paul’s, a Lady caught him by his arm.
She
said you are a Man of pluck…
Please
come in and have a cup of tea!
There
was a young man called Dick who had, poor fellow, a corkscrew prick.
He
started his life in a lifelong hunt to find a girl with a spiral cunt.
His
long search ended in far Glamorgan, where he found a Girl with such an organ.
Alas! On his Wedding night, he dropped down dead for the girl he found had a left hand thread.
I walked into my Girlfriends bedroom with a Sheep under my arm and announced…
“This is the Pig I have sex with when you have a headache”
She turned over, looked up and with that all so familiar sarcastic look said…
“I think you’ll find that’s a Sheep, Dick Head.”
To which I replied…
“I think you’ll find I wasn’t talking to you!”
The Shortest
Fairy Tale
Once upon a time, a girl asked a guy
"Will you marry me?"
The guy said, "NO!"
And the girl lived happily ever after and
went shopping, dancing, went
on holidays, drank martinis, always had a
clean house, never had to
cook, had sex with whomever she pleased and
farted whenever she wanted.
THE END
Sports commentators
Michael
Burke on watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer
for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked: "They seem cold out
there, they're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts."
Ken
Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson
lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: "Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny,
other weeks he prefers to do it by himself."
Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports: "Stephen Hendry
jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets."
Jack
Burnicle was talking about Colin Edwards' tyre choice on World
Superbike racing: "Colin had a hard on in practice earlier, and I bet he
wished he had a hard on now."
Chris Tarrant discussing the first Millionaire winner Judith Keppel on This
Morning: "She was practising fastest finger first by herself in bed last
night."
'Winning Post's' Stewart Machin commentating on jockey Tony McCoy's
formidable lead: "Tony has a quick look between his legs and likes what he
sees."
Ross King discussing relays with champion runner Phil Redmond: "Well Phil,
tell us about your amazing third leg."
Cricketer Neil Fairbrother hit a single during a Durham v Lancashire match,
inspiring Bobby Simpson to observe: "With his lovely soft hands he just
tossed it off."
Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said: "There's
nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this."
James Allen interviewing Ralf Schumacher at a Grand Prix, asked: "What does
it feel like being rammed up the backside by Barrichello?"
Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: "Ballesteros felt much better today
after a 69."
The new stand at Doncaster racecourse took Brough Scott's breath away..."My
word," he said. "Look at that magnificent erection."
Willie Carson was telling Claire Balding how jockeys prepare for a big race
when he said: "They usually have four or five dreams a night about coming
from different positions."
Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on Time Team Live said:
"You'd eat beaver if you could get it."
A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and
didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, "So Bob, where's that eight
inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set,
but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!
US PGA Commentator - "One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing
so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses
them ... Oh my god!!!!! What have I just said?!!!!"
Metro Radio - "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven
Dicks on the field."
Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - "Ah, isn't that
nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford
crew."
Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator - "This is really a lovely horse. I
once rode her mother."
New Zealand Rugby Commentator - "Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson
comes inside of him."
Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator - "And this is Gregoriava from
Bulgaria, I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!"
Mommy,... I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the Woods with Aunt Jane.
I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss. Then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane........"
At this point Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an Interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for suppertime. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."!
At the dinner table, Mommy asked little Johnny to tell his story. Johnny started his story, "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her Shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mommy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was in the Army." ;)
Moral: Sometimes you need to listen to the whole story before you interrupt.
A
very confident James Bond walks into a bar and takes a seat
next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then
casually looks at his watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"
"No," he replies, "Q has just given me this state-of-the-art
watch. I was just testing it."
The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so
special about it?"
Bond explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me
telepathically."
The woman says, "What's it telling you now?"
"Well, it says you're not wearing any knickers...."
The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I
am wearing knickers!"
Bond smirks, taps his watch and says, "Bloody thing's an hour fast.