Funny

First Funny...

TOMMY COOPER AT HIS BEST ..................

Two Aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married. The
ceremony was rubbish but the Reception was Brilliant.

Man goes to the doc, with a strawberry growing out of his head.
Doc says, "I'll give you some cream to put on it."

"Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home."
"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. "
"Is it common? "
"It's not unusual."

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.
"My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? "
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him"
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? Because he's cross-eyed? "
"No, because he's really heavy"

Guy goes into the doctor's.
"Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside
"How's that?"
"Don't you start"

"Doctor, I can't pronounce my F's, T's and H's."
"Well you can't say fairer than that then"

Two elephants walk off a cliff... boom boom!

What's brown and sounds like a bell?
DUNG

What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A fsh.

So I went to the dentist.
He said "Say Aaah."
I said "Why?"
He said "My dog's died.'"

"So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said
'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are.'"

"So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?'
He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'"

"So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside
my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'

Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5
people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my
dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I
think it's Colin.

So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up,
and he said 'You've been promoted.' And I swerved. And then he rang up a
second time and said "You've been promoted again.' And I swerved again. He
rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went into
a tree. And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I said
I careered off the road.

Now, most dentists’ chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was
in went back and forwards. I thought 'This is unusual'. And the dentist
said to me 'Mr. Vine, get out of the filing cabinet.'

So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you
give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'

Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "your round."
The other one says "so are you, you fat git!!"

Two cannibals eating a clown. One says to the other "Does this taste
funny to you?"

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid,
and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.
They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.'
So that was nice."

A man walked into the doctors, The doctor said " I haven't seen you
in a long time " The man replied "I know I've been ill"

A man walked into the doctors, he said "I've hurt my arm in several places"
The doctor said "well don't go there any more"

I had a ploughman's lunch the other day. He wasn't very happy.

My dog was barking at everyone the other day. Still, what can
you expect from a crossbreed.

I was driving down the motorway with my bird the other day when we
both got a bit frisky and decided to do something about it. So we decided
we'd take the next exit, but it was a turn-off.

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't
find any.

I bought some HP sauce the other day. It's costing me 6p a month for
the next 2 years.

The wife and I were rummaging through the attic the other day.

Dark, dank, smelly, covered in cobwebs!!!…

But she’s good to the kids!

We found an oil painting and a violin!

So we took ‘em down the dealers.

He said… “What you got there is a Rembrandt and a Stradivarius”!!!

Unfortunately……………………….

Stradivarius was a lousy painter …….. and……………………..

Doctor!!! It hearts when I do this!..

So don’t do it!

So I went to the Doctor and showed him that no matter what part of

my body I poked, I was in agony.

He said, “You’ve got a broken finger”!

George Bush met The Queen, and he turns round and says: "As I'm the
President, I'm thinking of changing how my country is referred to, and
I'm thinking that it should be a Kingdom"
The Queen replies "I'm sorry Mr. Bush, but to be a Kingdom, you have to
have a King in charge - and you're not a King."
George Bush thought a while and then said: "How about a Principality
then?” to which the Queen replied, "Again, to be a Principality you have to be
a Prince - and you're not a Prince ".
Bush thought long and hard and came up with "How about an Empire then?"
The Queen, getting a little annoyed by now, replies " Look Bush, to be an
Empire you must have an Emperor in charge - and you are not an Emperor."
Before George Bush could utter another word, The Queen said: "I think
you're doing quite nicely as a Country".

An Essex girl and an Irish guy are in a bar when the Essex girl
notices something strange about the wellies the Irish guy is wearing.

She says, "Scuse me mate, I aint being fanny or nuffink, but why doz one of your
wellies 'ave an L on it and the uva one's got an R on it ?"
So the Irish guy smiles, puts down his glass of Guinness and replies,
"Well, oim a little bit tick you see. The one with the R on it is for me roight
foot and the one with the L is for me left foot"
"Cor blimey, exclaims the Essex girl, "So THATS why me knickers 'ave got
C&A on ‘em"

Saddam Hussains family!

Now that Uday & Ousay have been eliminated, a lot of the lesser-known family members are coming to the attention of the American authorities.

Among the *brothers*:

Sooflay......................the restauranteur

Guday........................the half-Australianbrother

Huray....................... the sports fanatic

Bejay........................the gay brother

Kuntay & Kintay..............the twins from the African mother

Ojay.........................the stalker/murderer

Biliray......................the country music star

Ecksray......................the radiologist

Puray........................the blender factory owner

Tupay........................the one with bad hair

Among the *sisters*:

Bufay........................the vampire slayer

Dooshay......................the clean sister

Sapheway.....................the grocery store owner

Oivay........................the one who lives in Tel aviv

Gudlay.......................the prostitute

Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%?

We have all been to those meetings where someone wants over 100%.

How about achieving 103%?

Here's a little math that might prove helpful.
What makes life 100%?

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 1819 20 21 22 23 24 25 26

Then:
H A R D W O R K
8 1 18 4 23 15 18 11 = 98%

K N O W L E D G E
11 14 15 23 12 5 4 7 5 = 96%

But,
A T T I T U D E
1 20 20 9 20 21 4 5 = 100%

And,
B U L L S H I T
2 21 12 12 19 8 9 20 = 103%

So, it stands to reason that hard work and knowledge will get you
close, attitude will get you there, but bullshit will put you over the top!

Ferrari F1 Team
Modena, Italy:

The Ferrari F1 Team fired their entire Pit- Crew Yesterday. The
announcement was followed by Ferrari's Decision to take advantage of the
English Government's "Work For the Dole" Scheme and hire unemployed
youths from Liverpool.

The decision to hire them was brought on by a recent documentary on how
unemployed youths in Liverpool were able to remove a set of car wheels
in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Ferrari's
existing crew can only do it in 8 seconds.

This was thought to be an excellent yet bold move by Ferrari Management,
as most races are won & lost in the pits, Ferrari would have an
advantage over every team.

However Ferrari expectations were easily exceeded, as during the Crews
first practice session; not only were "da boyz from Bootle" able to
change the tyres in under 6 seconds but within 12 seconds they had
re sprayed, re badged, and had sold the vehicle over to the McLaren Team
for four dozen Stella's and a gram of Charlie.

A guy goes to his doctor and says, "Doc, I have a problem. My
girlfriend is sleeping over this Friday, my ex-wife is sleeping over
this Saturday, and my wife is coming home Sunday. I need three
Viagra pills to satisfy them all."
The doctor says, "You know, three Viagra pills three nights in a
row is pretty dangerous for any man. I will give them to you on the
condition that you return to my office on Monday so that I can check
you out."
The man says, "You have a deal Doc!"
Monday morning the man returns with his arm in a sling.
The doctor says, "What happened?!"
The man answers, "Nobody showed up!!"

In a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the
computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "...if GM had kept
up with the technology like the computer industry has, we would all be
driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon...."
In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release
stating, "If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be
driving cars with the following characteristics:"
1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.
2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy
a new car.
3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You
would have to pull over to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut
off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could
continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.
4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause
your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to
reinstall the engine.
5. Only one person at a time could use the car unless you bought CarNT,
but then you would have to buy more seats.
6. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable,
five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would only run on
five percent of the roads.
7. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be
replaced by a single "General Protection Fault" warning light.
8. New seats would force everyone to have the same sized butt.
9. The airbag system would ask "are you sure?" before deploying.
10. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out
and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle,
turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
11. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand
McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need
nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the
car's performance to diminish by 50% or more. Moreover, GM would become a
target for investigation by the Justice Dept.
12. Every time GM introduced a new car, car buyers would have to learn to
drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the
same manner as the old car.
13. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.

A husband and wife are getting ready for bed. The wife is
standing in front of a full-length mirror taking a hard look at her self.

"You know love," she says, "I look in the mirror and I see an
old woman. My face is all wrinkled, my boobs are barely above
my waist, and my butt is hanging out a mile. I've got fat legs and
my arms are all flabby."

She turns to her husband and says, "Tell me something positive
to make me feel better about myself."

He thinks about it for a bit and then says,

"Well... there's nothing wrong with your eyesight.
(oooohhhhh)

It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change the admittance policy. The new law was that, in order to get into Heaven, you had to have a really bad day the day you died. The policy would go into effect at noon the following day.
So the next day at 12:01 the first person came to the gates of Heaven. The angel at the gate, remembering about the new law, promptly asked the man, "Before I can let you in, I need you to tell me about the day you died. "No problem," said the man. "Well, for sometime now, I've thought my wife was having an affair. I believed that each day on her lunch hour, she'd bring her lover home to our 25th floor apartment and have sex with him. So today I was going to come home too and catch them. Well, I got there and
busted in and immediately began searching for this guy. My wife was half naked
and yelling at me as I searched the entire apartment. But, damn it, I couldn't find him! Just as I was about to give up, I happened to glance out onto the balcony and noticed that there was a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips! The nerve of that guy to think he could hide from me! Well, I ran out there and promptly stomped on his fingers until he fell to the ground. But, wouldn't you know it, he landed in some bushes that broke
his fall, and he didn't die. In a rage I went back inside to get the first thing I could get my hands on to throw at him. And oddly enough, the first thing I could grab was the refrigerator. I unplugged it, pushed it out onto the balcony and heaved it over the side. It plummeted 25 stories and crushed him! The excitement of the moment was so great that right after that I had a heart attack and died almost instantly." The angel sat back and thought for a moment. Technically, the guy DID have a bad day, and it WAS a crime of passion, so he announced, "Ok, sir. Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven." and let him in.
A few seconds later, the next guy came up. "Ok. Here's the rule. Before I can let you in, I need to hear about the day you died." "Sure thing" the man replied. "But you're not going to believe this. I was out on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment doing my daily exercises when I got a little carried away and accidentally fell over the side! Luckily however, I was able to catch myself by my fingertips on the balcony directly beneath mine. When all of a sudden this crazy man comes running out of his apartment and
starts cussing and stomping on my fingers! Well of course I fall. I hit some trees and bushes on the way down which broke my fall so I didn't die right away. As I'm laying there face up on the ground, unable to move and in excruciating pain, I see the man push his refrigerator, of all things, over the edge and it falls directly on top of me and kills me.
The angel is quietly laughing to himself as the man finishes his story. "I could get used to this new policy", he thinks to himself. "Very well," the angel announces. "Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven." And he lets the man enter. A few seconds later the third man in line comes up to the gate. "Tell me about the day you died," said the angel.
"Ok. Picture this", says the man.
"I'm naked inside a refrigerator..........

Her Side of the Story:
He was in an odd mood Saturday night. We planned to meet at a pub for
a drink, I spent the afternoon shopping with the girls and I thought
it might have been my fault because I was a bit later than I promised,
but he didn't say anything much about it. The conversation was very slow going so I
thought we should go off somewhere more intimate so we could talk more privately.
We went to this restaurant and he was still acting a bit funny, so I
tried to cheer him up and started to wonder whether it was me or something else. I asked him, and he said no but I wasn't really sure. So anyway, in the car on
the way back home I said that I loved him deeply and he just put his
arm around me. I didn't know what the hell that meant because you know
he didn't say it back or anything, this is really worrying me. We finally got
back home and I was wondering if he was going to leave me! So I tried
to get him to talk but he just switched on the TV and sat with a distant look in his eyes
that seemed to say 'its all over between us'. Reluctantly, I said I
was going to bed, then after about 10 minutes, he joined me and to my surprise he
responded to my advances and we made love. But he still seemed really
distracted, so afterwards I just wanted to confront him but I just
cried myself to sleep. I just don't know what to do anymore. I mean, I really
think he is seeing someone else and that my life is a disaster.

His side of the story:

England lost. Got a shag though.

How to find a lost wife !!!!!!!
A man approached the very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and said, "I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"

The woman looked puzzled. "Why talk to me?" she asked.

"Because every time I talk to a woman with tits like yours, my wife
appears out of nowhere!"

THE FIVE FLOORS:

A group of girlfriends went on vacation and they see a five-story hotel
with a sign that reads "For Women Only". Since they were without their
boyfriends, they decide to go in.

The Doorman, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works, "We
have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking
for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide, since each floor has signs
telling you what's inside. The only rule is, once you leave a floor, you
can't return to it."

The women talk it over and decide to go for it. They start going up,
and on the first floor the sign reads, "All the men here are horrible lovers,
but they are sensitive and kind". The friends laugh and without hesitation
move on to the next floor.

The sign on the Second floor reads, "All the men here are wonderful
lovers, but they generally treat women badly". This wasn't going to do, so
again they head for the stairs.

The friends move up to the Third floor where the sign read "All the men
here are great lovers and sensitive to the needs of women." This was good,
but there were still two more floors...

So on to the Fourth floor, the sign was perfect. "All the men here
have perfect builds; are sensitive and attentive to women; are perfect
lovers; they are also single, rich and straight" The women seemed pleased,
but they decide that they would rather see what the fifth floor has to offer
before they settle for the fourth.

When they reach the Fifth floor, there is only a sign that reads:
"There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is
simply no way to please a woman."

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