May 05

An 80-year-old man went to his doctor for his annual check-up. The doctor asks him how he's feeling. The 80-year-old says, "I've never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"
The doctor considers his question for a minute and then begins. "I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid trophy hunter and never misses a season. One day, when he was going out hunting, he was in a bit of a hurry and accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun. When he got to the creek, he saw a prime beaver sitting beside the stream of water. He raised his cane and went 'bang, bang'.
Suddenly, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. What do you think of that?"
The 80-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."
The doctor replied, "My point exactly."

One day, in line at the works cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him,

"My elbow hurts like hell. I suppose I'd better see a doctor."

"Listen, don't waste your time down at the surgery," Mike replies.

"There's a diagnostic computer at Asda. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong, and what to do about it.

It takes ten seconds and only costs five pounds.... a lot quicker and better than a doctor".

So Jack collects a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Asda.

He deposits five pounds and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks".

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure.

Jack hurried back to Asda, eager to check what would happen. He deposits five pounds, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.

2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.

3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.

4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.

5. And if you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better..

........ thank you for shopping at Asda.

Can’t Spelll?

The Human Brain
Don't delete this because it looks weird. Believe it or not you can read it!

I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdgnieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid. Aoccdrnig to rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh? Yaeh, and I awlyas thought slpeling was ipmorantt!

Subject: Cruise liner vs. Nursing home (too perfect)
About 2 years ago I was on a cruise through the western
Mediterranean aboard a Princess liner. At dinner we noticed
an elderly lady sitting alone along the rail of the grand stairway in
the main dining room. I also noticed that all the staff, ships
officers, waiters, busboys, etc, all seemed very familiar with this lady. I
asked our waiter who the lady was, expecting to be told she owned
the line, but he said he only knew that she had been on board for the last
four cruises, back to back.
As we left the dining room one evening I caught her eye and stopped to say hello. We chatted and I said, I understand you've been on this ship for the last four cruises. She replied, yes, that's
true. I stated, I don't understand, and she replied, without a pause, “it's cheaper than a nursing home”.

AN ALTERNATIVE RETIREMENT HOME - There will be no
nursing home in my future........When I get old and
feeble, I am going to get on a Princess Cruise Ship.
The average cost for a nursing home is $200 per day.
I have checked on reservations at Princess and I can get a long-term
discount and senior discount price of $135 per day. That leaves $65 a day for:
1. Gratuities, which will only be $10 per day.
2. I will have as many as 10 meals a day if I can waddle to the restaurant, or I can have room service (which means I can have breakfast in bed every day of the week).
3. Princess has as many as three swimming pools, a workout
room, free washers and dryers, and shows every night.
4. They have free toothpaste and razors, and free soap and shampoo.
5. They will even treat you like a customer, not a patient.
An extra $5 worth of tips will have the entire staff scrambling to help you.
6. I will get to meet new people every 7 or 14 days.
7. T.V. broken? Light bulb needs changing? Need to have the mattress
replaced? No Problem! They will fix everything and apologize for your inconvenience.
8. Clean sheets and towels every day, and you don't even have to ask for them.
9. If you fall in the nursing home and break a hip you are on Medicare. If you fall and break a hip on the Princess ship they will upgrade you to a suite for the rest of your life.
Now hold on for the best! Do you want to see South America, the Panama Canal, Tahiti, Australia, New Zealand, Asia, or name where you want to go? Princess will have a ship ready to go. So don't look for me in a nursing home, just call shore to ship.
P.S. And don't forget, when you die, they just dump you over the side at no charge.

A geezer sees a sign in front of a house in Luton: "Talking Dog for Sale."
He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the back garden.
The bloke goes into the backyard and sees a black mutt just sitting there.
"You talk?" he asks. "Sure do." the dog replies. "So, what's your story?"
The dog looks up and says, "Well, I discovered my gift of talking pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told MI5 about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running."
"The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in."
"I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded loads of medals. Had a wife, a few puppies, and now I'm just retired."
The geezer is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
The owner says, "Ten quid."
The bloke says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"
"Cause he's a F *** g liar. He's never done any of that stuff"

The BEER PRAYER...
Our Lager,
Which art in barrels,
Hallowed be thy drink.
Thy will be drunk,
I will be drunk,
At home as it is in the tavern.
Give us this day our foamy head,
and forgive us our spillages,
as we forgive those who spill against us.
And lead us not to incarceration,
But deliver us from hangovers
For Thine is the beer, the bitter, THE lager.
~Barman~

Two kids are playing football in a park in Manchester.
Suddenly one of them is attacked by a Rottweiler that clamps its mouth around the kids neck.
The other kid, seeing the danger his pal is in, picks up one of the
sticks they were using as a goal post, puts it through the dogs collar, and
using all his strength twists it until the dogs neck breaks and his friend is saved.
This is all seen by a local newspaper reporter who sees a possible national
headline in the incident, and goes over to the kids.
"That was really heroic" he says "I can see it now 'Heroic United fan
risks life to save best friend'"
But I don't follow United" says the kid
"Ok, how about 'Super City Kid fights off rabid rottweiller to save his pal'"
"But I don't follow City either" says the kid
"Well who do you support" asks the reporter
"Liverpool" he says
"Even better" says the reporter "

Scouse bastard murders family pet.

WHAT IS EASTER??
THREE BLONDES (NATURAL) DIED AND FOUND THEMSELVES STANDING BEFORE ST. PETER. HE TOLD THEM THAT BEFORE THEY COULD ENTER THE KINGDOM, THEY
HAD TO TELL HIM WHAT EASTER WAS.

THE FIRST BLONDE SAID, "EASTER IS A HOLIDAY WHERE THEY HAVE A BIG FEAST AND WE GIVE THANKS AND EAT TURKEY."
ST. PETER SAID, "NOOOOOO," AND HE BANISHED HER TO HELL.

THE SECOND BLONDE SAID, "EASTER IS WHEN WE CELEBRATE JESUS' BIRTH AND EXCHANGE GIFTS."
ST. PETER SAID, "NOOOOOO," AND HE BANISHED HER TO HELL.

THE THIRD BLONDE SAID, SHE KNEW WHAT EASTER IS, AND ST. PETER
SAID, "SO, TELL ME."
SHE SAID, "EASTER IS A CHRISTIAN HOLIDAY THAT COINCIDES WITH THE JEWISH FESTIVAL OF PASSOVER. JESUS WAS HAVING PASSOVER FEAST WITH HIS DISCIPLES WHEN HE WAS BETRAYED BY JUDAS, AND THE ROMANS ARRESTED HIM. THE ROMANS HUNG HIM ON THE CROSS AND EVENTUALLY HE DIED. THEN THEY BURIED HIM IN A TOMB BEHIND A VERY LARGE BOULDER.
ST. PETER SAID, "VERRRRRRY GOOD."

THEN THE BLONDE CONTINUED, "NOW EVERY YEAR THE JEWS ROLL AWAY THE BOULDER AND JESUS COMES OUT. IF HE SEES HIS SHADOW, WE HAVE SIX MORE WEEKS OF BASKETBALL."
ST. PETER FAINTED

When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly, widowed father died, Charles decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with.

So one evening, he went to a singles bar, where he spots the most beautiful woman he's ever seen, her natural beauty takes his breath away.

"I may look just like an ordinary man," he says, as he walks up to her, "but in just a week or two, my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million dollars."

The woman went home with Charles that evening...and the next day, she became his stepmother. Women are so much smarter.

When will men ever learn?

A man finds that he is unable to perform, after several years of married life.
He goes to his doctor who tries a few things, but nothing seems to work.
So the doctor refers him to a witch doctor.
The witch doctor says, "I can cure this."
He throws a white powder in a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke.
Then he says, "This is powerful healing, but you can only use it once a year.
All you have to do is say '123,' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!"
The guy then asks, "What happens when it's over, and I don't want to continue?"
"All you or your partner has to say is '1234,' and it will go down.
But be warned: "It will not rise again for another year."
The guy goes home, and that night he is ready to surprise his wife.
He showers, shaves, and puts on his most exotic shaving lotion.
After he gets into bed and is lying next to her, he says, "123," and
suddenly he gets an erection, just as the witch doctor said.
His wife who was facing the other way turns over and says, "What did you say '123' for?"