I walked into a Blimpie's with a buy-one-get-one-free coupon for a sandwich. I handed it to the girl and she looked over at a little chalkboard that said "buy one-get one free". "They're already buy-one-get-one-free", she said, "so I guess they're both free". She handed me my free sandwiches and I walked out the door. They walk among us and many work retail.
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One day I was walking down the beach with some friends when one of t hem shouted, "Look at that dead bird!" Someone looked up at the sky and said, "Where?" They Walk among us!
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While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent which direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, "Does the sun rise in the north?" When my brother explained that the sun rises in the east, and has For sometime, she shook her head and said, "Oh, I don't keep up with t hat stuff." They Walk Among Us!!
====================
I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One day I got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center w as open. I told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week." He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?" Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, "Uh, Pacific." They Walk Among Us!
====================
My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk. They Walk Among Us!
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My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed that the cases were discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases. The cashier multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount. They Walk Among Us!
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I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area, so I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands. "Now," she asked me, "has your plane arrived yet?" They Walk Among Us!
====================
While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before responding. "Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces." Yep, They Walk Among Us!
====================
They walk among us, AND they reproduce!
One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife, pinched her on the butt and said... "If you firmed this up, we could get rid of your control top pantyhose."
 While this was on the edge of intolerable, she kept silent .
The next morning, the man woke his wife with a pinch on each of her breasts and said....
"You know, if you firmed these up, we could get rid of your bra."
This was beyond a silent response...So she rolled over and grabbed him by his 'DANGLER.'
With a death grip in place, she said...
"You know, if you firmed this up, we could get rid of the gardener, the postman, the pool man and
your brother !"
JUST A TAP
 A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a
Question and tapped him on the shoulder. The driver
Screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus,
Drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a
 Large plate glass window.
 For a few moments everything was silent in the cab,
And then the still shaking driver said, "I'm sorry,
But you scared the daylights out of me."
 The frightened passenger apologized to the driver
And said he didn't realize a mere tap on the shoulder
Could frighten him so much.
 The driver replied, "No, no, I'm sorry, it's entirely
 My fault. Today is my first day driving a cab. I've
 Been driving a hearse for the last 25 years!"

A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months. Nurses were in her
room giving her a blanket bath.
One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a
slight response on the monitor when she touched her. They tried it again and sure
enough there was sizable movement. They went to her husband and explained
what happened, telling him, "As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral
sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma."
The husband was sceptical, but they assured him that they'd close the
curtains for privacy. The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's
room. After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate.
The nurses run back into the room. "What happened!?" they cried. The
husband said, "I'm not sure....maybe she choked?

for my golfing friends
A Paris Hilton - an expensive hole
A Dennis Wise - a nasty 5 footer
A Salman Rushdie - an impossible read
A Rio Ferdinand - Lipped out
A Rock Hudson - thought it was straight, but it wasn't
A Cuban - needs one more revolution
An Elton John - a big bender that lips the rim
An Adolf Hitler - two shots in the bunker
A Yasser Arafat - ugly and in the sand
A Kate Winslett - little bit fat but otherwise perfect
A Gerry Adams - playing a Provisional
A Glen Miller - kept low but didn't make it over the water
An Arthur Scargill - a great strike but a poor result
A Russell Grant - a fat iron
A Rodney King - over-clubbed
An O.J. Simpson - got away with it
A Princess Grace - should have taken a driver
A Princess Di - shouldn't have taken a driver
A Robin Cook - just died on the hill
A Michael Jackson - gradually fading
A Douglas Bader - looked good in the air, but didn't have the legs
A Ken Livingstone - quite far left
A Jean-Marie LePen - a long way right
A Ladyboy - looks like an easy hole but all is not what it seems
A Mrs Patel - ugly, but a good worker
A condom - safe but didn't feel real good
A circus tent - a BIG top
An Anna Kournikova - looks great, but unlikely to get a result
A Vinnie Jones - nasty kick when you're not expecting it
A Sally Gunnell - ugly,but runs like F**k
A Liz McColgan - Ugly but runs forever
A Brazilian - Shaves both sides of the hole

Californians
So as not to be outdone by all the redneck, hillbilly, and Texan jokes, somebody had to come up with this, you know you're from California if:
1. Your coworker has 8 body piercings and none are visible.
2. You make over $300,000 and still can't afford a house.
3. You take a bus and are shocked at two people carrying on a conversation in English.
4. Your child's 3rd-grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, and is named Flower.
5. You can't remember . . is pot illegal?
6. You've been to a baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm donor.
7. You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are grown, and you can taste the difference between Sumatran and Ethiopian.
8. You can't remember . . . is pot illegal?
9. A really great parking space can totally move you to tears.
10. Gas costs $1.00 per gallon more than anywhere else in the U.S.
11. Unlike back home, the guy at 8:30 am at Starbucks wearing a baseball cap and sunglasses who looks like George Clooney really IS George Clooney.
12. Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment.
13. You can't remember . . .is pot illegal?
14. It's barely sprinkling rain and there's a report on every news station: "STORM WATCH."
15. You pass an elementary school playground and the children are all busy with their cells or pagers.
16. It's barely sprinkling rain outside, so you leave for work an hour early to avoid all the weather-related accidents.
17. HEY!!!! Is pot illegal????
18. Both you AND your dog have therapists, psychics, personal trainers and cosmetic surgeons.
19. The Terminator is your governor.
20. If you drive illegally, they take your driver's license. If you're here illegally, they want to give you one.

Great Quotes:
Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself "Lillian, you should have remained a virgin."
- Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)

I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog: "No good in a bed, but fine against a wall."- Eleanor Roosevelt

Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement- Mark Twain

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible.-George Burns

Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.- Victor Borge

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.- Mark Twain

By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.- Socrates

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.- Groucho Marx

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.- Jimmy Durante

I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.- Zsa Zsa Gabor

Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.- Alex Levine

My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.- Rodney Dangerfield

Money can't buy you happiness .. but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.-- Spike Milligan

I am opposed to millionaires. .. but it would be dangerous to offer me the position.- Mark Twain

Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP.- Joe Namath

I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.- Bob Hope

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.- W.C. Fields

We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.- Will Rogers

Don't worry about avoiding temptation. .. as you grow older, it will avoid you.-- Winston Churchill


Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty ... but everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.- Phyllis Diller

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.- Billy Crystal

The cardiologist's diet: If it tastes good, spit it out

The boss of a Madison Avenue advertising agency called a spontaneous
staff meeting in the middle of a particularly stressful week. (This is one pretty sharp boss!)
When everyone gathered, the boss, who understood the benefits of having
fun, told the burnt out staff the purpose of the meeting was to have a
quick contest. The theme: Viagra advertising slogans. The only rule
was they had to use past ad slogans, originally written for other
products that captured the essence of Viagra. Slight variations were
acceptable.
About 7 minutes later, they turned in their suggestions and created a
Top 10 List. With all the laughter and camaraderie, the rest of the week
went very well for everyone!
The top 10 were: 
  10. Viagra, Whaazzzz up! 
   9. Viagra, The quicker pecker picker upper. 
   8. Viagra, like a rock! 
   7. Viagra, When it absolutely, positively has to be there overnight. 
   6. Viagra, Be all that you can be. 
   5. Viagra, Reach out and touch someone. 
   4. Viagra, Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman. 
   3. Viagra, Home of the whopper! 
   2. Viagra, We bring good things to Life!
And the unanimous number one slogan: 
   1. This is your peepee. This is your peepee on drugs.

God and lawns
GOD:  Frank, you know all about gardens and nature.
What in the world is going on down there on the planet? What happened to
the dandelions, violets, thistle and stuff I started eons ago?  I had a
perfect no-maintenance garden plan. Those plants grow in any type of
soil, withstand drought and multiply with abandon.  The nectar from the
long-lasting blossoms attracts butterflies, honey bees and flocks of
songbirds.  I expected to see a vast garden of colors by now.  But, all
I see are these green rectangles.
St. FRANCIS: It's the tribes that settled there, Lord.
The Suburbanites. They started calling your flowers "weeds" and went to
great lengths to kill them and replace them with  grass.
GOD:  Grass?  But, it's so boring.  It's not colorful.
It doesn't attract butterflies, birds and bees; only grubs and sod
worms.  It's sensitive to temperatures.  Do these Suburbanites really
want all that grass growing there?
ST. FRANCIS:  Apparently so, Lord.  They go to great
pains to grow it and keep it green.  They begin each spring by
fertilizing grass and poisoning any other plant that crops up in the lawn.
GOD:  The spring rains and warm weather probably make
grass grow really fast.  That must make the Suburbanites happy.
ST.  FRANCIS:  Apparently not, Lord.  As soon as it
grows a little, they cut it-sometimes twice a week.
GOD:  They cut it?  Do they then bale it like hay?
ST.  FRANCIS:  Not exactly, Lord.  Most of them rake it up  and put it in bags.
GOD:  They bag it?  Why?  Is it a cash crop?  Do they sell it?
ST. FRANCIS:  No, Sir, just the opposite.  They pay to throw it away.
GOD:   Now, let me get this straight.  They fertilize
grass so it will grow, and, when it does grow, they cut it off and pay to throw it away?
ST. FRANCIS:  Yes, Sir.
GOD:  These Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer
when we cut back on the rain and turn up the heat. That surely slows the
growth and saves them a lot of work.
ST. FRANCIS:  You aren't going to believe this, Lord.
When the grass stops growing so fast, they drag out hoses and pay more
money to water it so they can continue to mow it and pay to get rid of it.
GOD:  What nonsense.  At least they kept some of the
trees.  That was a sheer stroke of genius, if I do say so myself.  The
trees grow leaves in the spring to provide beauty and shade in the
summer.  In the autumn, they fall to the ground and form a natural
blanket to keep moisture in the soil and protect the trees and bushes.
It's a natural cycle of life.
St. FRANCIS:  You better sit down, Lord.  The
Suburbanites have drawn a new circle.  As soon as the leaves fall, they
rake them into great piles and pay to have them hauled away.
GOD:  No. What do they do to protect the shrub and tree
roots in the winter to keep the soil moist and loose?
ST. FRANCIS:  After throwing away the leaves, they go
out and buy something which  they call mulch.  They haul it home and
spread it around in place of the leaves.
GOD:  And where do they get this mulch?
ST. FRANCIS:  They cut down trees and grind them up to make the mulch.
GOD:  Enough!   I don't want to think about this
anymore.  St. Catherine, you're in charge of the arts.  What movie have
you scheduled for us tonight?
ST. CATHERINE:  "Dumb and Dumber", Lord.  It's a story about....
GOD:  Never mind, I think I just heard the whole story from St. Francis.

For all those men who say, Why buy a cow when you can get milk for free. Here's an update for you: Now days, 80% of women are against marriage, WHY? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage.           Men are like....
1. Men are like Laxatives  They irritate the crap out of you.

2. Men are like Bananas The older they get, the less firm they are.

3. Men are like Weather  Nothing can be done to change them.

4. Men are like Blenders You need One, but you're not quite sure why.

5. Men are like Chocolate Bars  Sweet, smooth & they usually head right for your hips.

6. Men are like Commercials You can't believe a word they say.

7. Men are like Department Stores  Their clothes are always 1/2 off!

8. Men are like Government Bonds They take soooooooo long to mature.

9. Men are like Mascara They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

10. Men are like Popcorn  They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

11. Men are like Snowstorms  You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.

12. Men are like Lava Lamps Fun to look at, but not very bright.

13. Men are like Parking Spots All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.