ON JULY 20, 1969, AS COMMANDER OF THE APOLLO 11 LUNAR MODULE, NEIL ARMSTRONG
WAS THE FIRST PERSON TO SET FOOT ON THE MOON.
HIS FIRST WORDS AFTER STEPPING ON THE MOON, "THAT'S ONE SMALL STEP FOR MAN,
ONE GIANT LEAP FOR MANKIND," WERE TELEVISED TO EARTH AND HEARD BY MILLIONS.
BUT JUST BEFORE HE REENTERED THE LANDER, HE MADE THE ENIGMATIC REMARK "GOOD
LUCK, MR. GORSKY."
MANY PEOPLE AT NASA THOUGH IT WAS A CASUAL REMARK CONCERNING SOME RIVAL
SOVIET COSMONAUT.
HOWEVER, UPON CHECKING, THERE WAS NO GORSKY IN EITHER THE RUSSIAN OR
AMERICAN SPACE PROGRAMS.
OVER THE YEARS MANY PEOPLE QUESTIONED ARMSTRONG AS TO WHAT THE "GOOD LUCK,
MR. GORSKY STATEMENT MEANT, BUT ARMSTRONG ALWAYS JUST SMILED.
ON JULY 5, 1995, IN TAMPA BAY, FLORIDA, WHILE ANSWERING QUESTIONS FOLLOWING
A SPEECH, A REPORTER BROUGHT UP THE 26-YEAR-OLD QUESTION TO ARMSTRONG. THIS
TIME HE FINALLY RESPONDED.
MR. GORSKY HAD DIED, SO NEIL ARMSTRONG FELT HE COULD ANSWER THE QUESTION.
IN 1938 WHEN HE WAS A KID IN A SMALL MID-WEST TOWN, HE WAS PLAYING BASEBALL
WITH A FRIEND IN THE BACKYARD.
HIS FRIEND HIT THE BALL, WHICH LANDED IN HIS NEIGHBOR'S YARD BY THE BEDROOM
WINDOWS.
HIS NEIGHBORS WERE MR. AND MRS. GORSKY.
AS HE LEANED DOWN TO PICK UP THE BALL, YOUNG ARMSTRONG HEARD MRS. GORSKY
SHOUTING AT MR. GORSKY.
"SEX! YOU WANT SEX?! YOU'LL GET SEX WHEN THE KID NEXT DOOR WALKS ON THE
MOON!"
TRUE STORY.
Subject:
Southern Grandma
Lawyers should never ask a Southern grandma a question if they aren't
prepared for the answer. In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting
attorney called his first witness, a grand motherly, elderly woman to the stand.
He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"
She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known
you
since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to
me. You lie; you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk
about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't
the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit
paper pusher. Yes, I know you. "The lawyer was stunned!
Not
knowing what else to do, he pointed across the
room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"
She again replied, "Why, yes, I do I've known Mr. Bradley since he
was a
youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't
build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the
worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three
different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."
The defense attorney almost died. The judge asked both counselors to
approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of you
idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you to the electric chair."
One day, leaning on the bar, Jack says to Mike "My
elbow hurts like hell.
I suppose I'd better see a Doctor!"
Listen, don't waste your time down at the surgery," Mike replies' There's a
new diagnostic computer at Tesco Pharmacy. Just give it a urine sample and
the computer will tell you what's wrong, and what to do about it. It takes
ten seconds and only costs five quid.....a lot quicker and better than a
doctor and you get Club card points".
So Jack collects a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Tesco.
He deposits five pounds and the computer lights up and asks for the urine
sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.
Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:
"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy
activity. It will improve
in two weeks".
That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began
wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool
sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter and the cat
and masturbated into the mixture for good measure.
Jack hurried back to Tesco, eager to check what would happen. He deposits
five pounds, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.
The computer printed the following:
1)Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
2) Your cat's having kittens. Get a vet
3) Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
4) Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
5) Your wife is pregnant with twins; they aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
6) And if you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get
better........
Thank you for shopping at Tesco
Choosing a wife
A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble
choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a
present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.
The first does a total make over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon
gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and
dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done
this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.
The man was impressed.
The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She
gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and
some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him
that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.
Again, the man is impressed.
The third invests the money in the stock market. She
earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and
reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she
wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.
Obviously, the man was impressed.
The man thought for a long time about what each
woman had done with
the money he'd given her.
Then, he married the one with the biggest boobs.
Men are like that, you know.
There is more money being spent on breast implants and
Viagra today
than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be
a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and
absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
Nice day for golf?
A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes, and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.
Naturally, the Doctor asked him, "What happened to you?"
"Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife when, at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a cow pasture.
We went to look for them, and while I was looking around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end.
I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it, stuck right in the middle of the cow's ass."
"Still holding the cow's tail up, I yelled to my wife,
'Hey, this looks like yours!
I don't remember much after that.
Which reminds me...
I had am amazing round of Golf the other day.
When I wasn't hitting them longer and straighter than ever, I was getting ridiculously lucky.
Balls were bouncing off trees and skipping off paths and landing in
better positions than I ever could have wished for.
I was ten shots better than my best ever but dropped a shot on the 18th.
Just about to chip onto the green, I realised the ball was nestled in some Buttercups.
Not wanting to harm, much less decapitate, the buttercups I picked up my ball and
dropped it over my shoulder for a foul shot.
With that...
The heavens opened up and, in a flash of light, the Arc Angle appeared and said...
"Wow! that was fantastic! The way you saved those Buttercup's lives was truly
amazing and an act of great kindness. So, as a special gift for being such a great guy
you get free, unlimited Butter for the rest of your life."
Well! What could I say? "Thank you!"
"But just one question if I may"...
"Where were you last week when I was stuck in the Pussy willows?"