When Insults Had Class:  
"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." Winston Churchill
  
"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure."  Clarence Darrow

"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." Groucho Marx

 "I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." Mark Twain

"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends." Oscar Wilde
  
"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend...If you have one." George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill...followed by Churchill's response:
"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second, if there is one." Winston Churchill
 
"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here." Stephen Bishop
 
"He is a self-made man and worships his creator." John Bright 
 
"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial. "Irvin S. Cobb
  
"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others." Samuel Johnson

"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." Paul Keating
 
"He had delusions of adequacy." Walter Kerr 
 
"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?"  Mark Twain
 
"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork. Mae West
 
"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go." Oscar Wilde
 
Lady Astor once remarked to Winston Churchill at a Dinner Party, "Winston, if you were my husband, I would poison your coffee!" Winston replied, "Madam, if I were your husband, I would drink it!" 

All these examples do NOT imply that gasoline is cheap; it just illustrates how outrageous some prices are....
You will be really shocked by the last one!!!! Compared with Gasoline......

Think a gallon of gas is expensive?
This makes one think, and also puts things in perspective.

Diet Snapple 16 oz $1.29 ... $10.32 per gallon                    Lipton Ice Tea 16 oz $1.19 ...$9.52 per gallon

Gatorade 20 oz $1.59 ... $10.17 per gallon                            Brake Fluid 12 oz $3.15 ... $33.60 per gallon

Vick's Nyquil 6 oz $8.35 ... $178.13 per gallon                    Pepto Bismol 4 oz $3.85 ... $123.20 per gallon

Whiteout 7 oz $1.39 ....... $25.42 per gallon                        Scope 1.5 oz $0.99 .....$84.48 per gallon

And this is the REAL KICKER...                    Evian water 9 oz $1.49..........$21.19 per gallon!
$21.19 for WATER and the buyers don't even know the source. (Evian spelled backwards is Naive.)

Ever wonder why printers are so cheap? So they have you hooked for the ink.
Someone calculated the cost of the ink at.......you won't believe it...........but it is true.......
$5,200 a gal. (five thousand two hundred dollars)

So, the next time you're at the pump, be glad your car doesn't run on water, Scope, or Whiteout, Pepto Bismol, Nyquil or God forbid, Printer Ink!!!!! Just a little humor to help ease the pain of your next trip to the pump.

I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me, and we could all use a little more calmness in our lives?
 
 By following the simple advice I heard on the radio yesterday, I have finally found inner peace.
The phone in show was talking about the stress of returning to work and the routine of the New Year. Dr. Phil proclaimed, "The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you've started and never finished."
 
So, I looked around my house to see all the things I started and hadn't finished, and before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of White Zinfandel, a bottle of Bailey's Irish Cream, a bottle of Bombay Sapphire, a packet of Jaffa Cakes, the remainder of my old Prozac prescription, the rest of the cheesecake, some Doritos and a Box of chocolates.
You have no idea how bloody good I feel!!!! The man is a Genius!
Please pass this on to those you feel might be in need of inner peace...

A definition of Marketing:

The buzz word in today's business world is MARKETING. However, people often ask for a s simple explanation of "Marketing".

Well, here it is:

* You're a woman and you see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and say, "I'm fantastic in bed."
That's Direct Marketing.

* You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a handsome guy. One of your friends goes up to him and, pointing at you, says, "She's fantastic in bed."
That's Advertising.

* You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and get his telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed."
That's Telemarketing.

* You see a guy at a party; you straighten your dress. You walk up to him and pour him a drink. You say, "May I?" and reach up to straighten his tie, brushing your breast lightly against his arm, and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed."
That's Public Relations.

* You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He walks up to you and says, "I hear you're fantastic in bed."
That's Brand Recognition.

* You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He fancies you, but you talk him into going home with your friend.
That's a Sales Rep.

* Your friend can't satisfy him so he calls you.
That's Tech Support.

* You're on your way to a party when you realize that there could be handsome men in all these houses you're passing., so you climb onto the roof of one situated towards the center and shout at the top of your lungs, "I'm fantastic in bed!"
That's Junk Mail

Bumper Stickers for Women

BEHIND EVERY SUCCESSFUL WOMAN IS HERSELF

OH MY GOD, I THINK I'M BECOMING THE MAN I WANTED TO MARRY!

A WOMAN IS LIKE A TEA BAG...YOU DON'T KNOW HOW STRONG SHE IS UNTIL YOU PUT HER IN HOT WATER

SO MANY MEN, SO FEW WHO CAN AFFORD ME

COFFEE, CHOCOLATE, MEN. SOME THINGS ARE JUST BETTER RICH

DON'T TREAT ME ANY DIFFERENTLY THAN YOU WOULD THE QUEEN

WARNING: I HAVE AN ATTITUDE AND I KNOW HOW TO USE IT

OF COURSE I DON'T LOOK BUSY...I DID IT RIGHT THE FIRST TIME

DO NOT START WITH ME. YOU WILL NOT WIN!

ALL STRESSED OUT AND NO ONE TO CHOKE

I CAN BE ONE OF THOSE BAD THINGS THAT HAPPENS TO BAD PEOPLE

HOW CAN I MISS YOU IF YOU WON'T GO AWAY?

DON'T UPSET ME! I'M RUNNING OUT OF PLACES TO HIDE THE BODIES

And last but not least:

IF YOU WANT BREAKFAST IN BED, SLEEP IN THE KITCHEN

            7 kinds of sex
7 Kinds Of Sex Results of recent research shows that there are 7 kinds of sex.

  The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex. * This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone and you
both have sex until you are blue in the face.
  The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex.  This is when you have been with your partner
for a short time and you are so needy you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.

  The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex. * This is when you have been with your partner for a long
time. Your sex has gotten routine and you usually have sex only in your bedroom.

  The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex* This is when you have been with your partner for too
long. When you pass each other in the hallway you both say 'screw you.

  The 5th kind of sex is called: Religious Sex. * Which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon and
Nun at night. (Very Popular)

  The 6th kind is called: Courtroom Sex. * This is when you cannot stand your wife any more. She takes you
to court and screws you in front of  everyone. And; last, but not least,

  The 7th kind of sex is called: Social Security Sex. * You get a little each month; but not enough to enjoy  yourself.

PLEASE DO NOT REPLY TO TELL ME WHAT STAGE YOU ARE IN. I'M TO SMURF'N BUSY (O:

Welfare Mama

A woman walks into the downtown welfare office, trailed by 15 kids...
'WOW,' the social worker exclaims, 'are they ALL YOURS???'
'Yep they are all mine,' the flustered momma sighs, having heard that question a thousand times before. She says, 'Sit down Leroy.'
All the children rush to find seats.
'Well,' says the social worker, 'then you must be here to sign up. I'll need all your children's names.'
'This one's my oldest - he is Leroy.'
'OK, and who's next?'
'Well, this one he is Leroy, also.'
The social worker raises an eyebrow but continues. One by one, through the oldest four, all boys, all named Leroy. Then she is introduced to the eldest girl, named Leighroy!
'All right,' says the caseworker. 'I'm seeing a pattern here.
Are they ALL named Leroy?'
Their Momma replied,! 'Well, yes it makes it easier. When it is time to get them out of bed and ready for school, I yell, 'Leroy!' An' when it's time for dinner, I just yell 'Leroy!' an' they all comes arunnin.'  An' if I need to stop the kid who's running into the street, I just yell 'Leroy' and all of them stop. It's the smartest idea I ever had, namin' them all Leroy.'
The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead and says tentatively, 'But what if you just want ONE kid to come, and not the whole bunch?'
                'I call them by their last names.

I was depressed last night so I called Lifeline.
Got a call center in Pakistan.  I told them I was suicidal.
They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

Perfect Password 
A woman was helping her husband set up his computer, and at the appropriate point in the process, the computer advised him that he would now need to enter a password. Something he will use to log on.
The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention. So, when the computer asked him to enter his password, he made it plainly obvious to his wife what he was entering by stating each letter out loud as he typed.....     P...E...N...I...S
His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied:
***PASSWORD REJECTED... ...NOT LONG ENOUGH

A man boards an airliner, takes his seat, and is surprised to find a large purple parrot in the seat next to him.
The aircraft takes off and a pretty flight attendant walks down the aisle past the man and his seat mate.
"Hey, bitch", says the parrot, "bring me a whiskey and soda, and make it snappy!"
The FA looks annoyed, but walks on.  A minute later, she walks back up the aisle again.
"Doggone it, you lazy whore, where's my whiskey?  Hurry it up! "
Visibly flustered, the FA hurries up the aisle and returns quickly with the parrot's drink.
Impressed with the parrot's technique, the man decides to get some quick service for himself.
"Hey, slut" says the man, "get me a dry martini.  And don't drag your sorry ass - I want it right now!"
The FA turns red with anger and runs to the front of the plane.  In moment
she returns with the First Officer and two burly male flight attendants.
The crewmen seize the passenger and the parrot,  jerk open the emergency
door, and hurl them both out of the airplane at 20,000 feet.  As the two are
hurled out the door, the parrot says to the man, "Ya know, you got a lotta balls for someone who can't fly."

Why men do not write advice columns

Dear Ted,

I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a mile down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in the bedroom with a neighbour lady making mad passionate love to her. I am 32, my husband is 34 and we have been married for twelve years. When I confronted him, he tried to make out that he went into the back yard and heard a lady scream, had come to her rescue but found her unconscious. He'd carried the woman back to our house, laid her in bed, and began CPR. When she awoke she immediately began thanking him and kissing him and he was attempting to break free when I came back. But when I asked him why neither of them had any clothes on, he broke down and admitted that he'd been having an affair for the past six month s. I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. I don't feel I can get through to him anymore.

Can you please help?

Sincerely,                  Susie Fox

Dear Susie,

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the clips holding the vacuum lines onto the inlet manifold for air leaks. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburetor float chamber ..                      I hope this helps.

If you have ever felt stupid while trying to speak correct English, then read on. If you've
learned to speak English fluently, you must be a genius! This little treatise on
the lovely language we share is only for the brave. Peruse at your leisure.
 
                Reasons why the English language is so hard to learn:
1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
2) The farm was used to produce produce.
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4) We must polish the Polish furniture.
5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
13) They were too close to the door to close it.
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow. (???)
17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail
18) After a number of injections my jaw got number.
19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests
21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple.
 English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France (Surprise!)
Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.  
 Quicksand works slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?
 If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth?
One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese?
 Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend?
If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it? Is it an odd, or an end?
If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?
 If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital?
 Ship by truck and send cargo by ship?
Have noses that run and feet that smell?
 How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?
You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns
down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out, and in which, an alarm goes off by going on.
 English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race,
which, of course, is not a race at all.
 That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.
P.S. - Why doesn't   "Buick" rhyme with "quick"?